Our sweet Shi Shi

Today was tough. The hardest day since being here by far. Shi Shi was 18. She was an amazing dog. When people would talk about not being dog lovers I would think, 'you just need one like Shi'. I will never forget the day that Andrew and I went to get her. We rescued her and to this day, that was the best $75 I've ever spent. She was our first baby. We watched as she aged, she was never a big barker, but she hadn't barked at all in years. She was always at my feet. She was my girl. The kids loved her although she was already quite old by they time they took too much interest in her so we have always taught them to be careful around her. Brynlee just got to the point of toting her around like a "designer" dog. Shi let her do it even though she wasn't fond of it at all. She would have rather been laying on a pile of blankets. The end of last week I started noticing changes in her. She became less active to basically completely immobile. She stopped eating, she looked miserable, sad, I was pretty confident the end was coming, BUT life without her seemed so foreign that I couldn't think about it. And now, my fear is my reality. I took her in at 10 this morning and by 10:45 I knew she was in severe kidney failure. So bad that her BUN couldn't even be read, all we know is that it was over 180. I brought her home and we spent her final 2 hours loving her before we had to take her back and let her go. Brynlee chose to go with us. It was hard. Watching your little girl say goodbye to something she's known her entire life. She kept petting her, telling her she loved her and she was no longer in pain. She was such an incredible pup, and will be missed so so much! We couldn't be more thankful to have had her for so long! The kids and I go back to IL tomorrow, so we are looking forward to the distraction! Please pray for the kids' hearts and also our trip. I am so so thankful for Aunt Jessica, who will be flying back with us!

 A dear friend asked me to do this on Friday and I couldn't be more thankful for this picture now! It's the only picture we have of ALL of us!

Also, I've started a post about Andrew's classes and what "his" life looks like, but it seems like every time I have a moment to write, something else pops up. So I promise that will come soon.

She grew not under my heart, but in it.

Brekyn Lou Gerber

Born October 21, 2015 

7lbs 10oz

20 inches long 

Came into our lives December 12, 2015

Moved into our home January 23, 2016

LEGALLY a GERBER May 31, 2017

I cannot even explain what this girl has done in our lives. Brynlee still had 11 months left of treatment when she came in our lives and there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to be her momma forever. Do I love children, yes! Absolutely! But she was different. You know how you just connect with some, she was one of those. She was special. She stole a piece of my heart on day one. She was only 6 weeks old the first time she spent the night, and I couldn't wait to get up with her through the night. I remember people being derogatory about nighttime feedings, but I loved it, every.single.one. I remember her waking up once and I had the biggest smile plastered on my face, I was giddy that I got to wake up at 3am and just be her momma. We all cried when she'd go back to her aunt's house, she brought so much joy into our home. We had been SO focused on beating cancer, and finding joy in that circumstance that the complete bliss she brought into our home was missed quickly. When she wasn't there, we were in fight mode, but when she was there, we could forget about cancer if we weren't at clinic or giving medicines. She gave us something that nothing else did. A reminder that there was life after cancer, no matter the results! She became our focus and we let go of cancer a little bit each month, so at the end, we didn't feel like we were being shoved out of clinic, we walked out completely ready to be done. We loved everyone there, but we were on to a new fight and that was for Brekyn. We were committed to fight as long and as hard as we did for Brynlee, because although she was not "ours" she was already ours, she needed us and we needed her, and we loved her with every ounce of our being.

The day we met her 12.12.15
  

On January 27, 2017 the day we prayed for had come, as we sat in court, my tears flooding the bench, the judge placed her up for adoption....to us! I thought a lot about adoption. I mourn for her that she doesn't have her biological parents. I want her to know them, and have a relationship with them, if everyone is healthy and it is best for her when that time comes. I want her to know where she comes from and that she is loved. She is SO SO SO loved by us, and I also know that sometimes that isn't enough. She is also loved by her biological family. But God knitted her together in her birth mother's womb, for us. Her story is perfect, although it seems flawed. Her story is that of a Gerber. I came across this quote that really struck me hard,

"A child born to another woman calls me mommy. 

The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth 

of that privilege are not lost on me". -Judy Landers 

In this adoption process I have realized so much about love and God's love for us. How, as his children, he adopted us. He gave us Him, He gave us power over sin, and He gave us eternal life through that adoption. And I can't stop from crying when I think about it. I, myself cannot offer that to Brekyn, BUT I can and will teach her about our heavenly Father that can give her all of that, and the only thing that matters, a love for HIM! My biggest fear for Brekyn is that she feels like she doesn't belong. That was probably my biggest struggle going into adoption. Feeling like a failure if she questions my/our love. BUT OH HOW WE LOVE HER! And this is where faith will just have to get us through. I know we will have mountains to climb, being a parent is a constant climb!

#gerberpartyoffive

This seminary is such a blessing. On Saturday, a couple of the wives threw us an adoption party. What love they showered on us, in just one month of being here. There was fabulous food, all of Brekyn's favorites, the best company, laughter, joy, fun. It was a true celebration! I couldn't be more grateful to them for showering us with love and helping welcome Brek into our family! We couldn't feel more grateful!! I questioned God's timing so often on this, especially with the move, but once again He proved me wrong. His timing was perfect. We needed to be here when it happened. I needed to rely on these woman, they needed to be praying for us, to see His work come to completion. God is good!